The love of my life left me a week ago.
Either because he's selfish or desperately queer.

Feel free to pursue me. I need something like that in my life.

I hate Christmas.
I hate the music.
I hate the media.
I hate the fucking decorations that people leave up for five months.
I hate all the materialism.
I hate the stigma it has with me.

It's been about ten years since I've actually had a truly "White Christmas" - since the snow looked inviting and everything in this world was pure as sunshine. I was a child that soon lost faith in Santa Claus and the good of humanity. I learned all too quickly that Christmas has slowly become terribly commercialized and overdone to horrific extents. The Holiday season doesn't bring out the saints in people any more than it makes golden coins fall from the skies.

My family is comprised of my mother, father, and sister.
I have spent almost every one of my Christmases and any other holiday at my mother's parents' house.
Grandpa is an alcoholic that's been on his own personal death row for years; Grandma is a materialistic conditional lover. They used to be my grandparents; I grew up to be someone quite different from what they expected of me. I was always the least favourite of their five grandchildren. I'm the black sheep.

Christmas gifts are a terror for me each year.
There is nothing in this world I could compose on my own, or purchase that could possibly be worth as much as something the other grandchildren could give the grandparents. Nothing. Not ever. I always get the brush-off treatment. It's all about materialism for those people. Don't get me wrong; I love them with all my heart. They just break my heart with their most intimately silent actions.

This year I am in such a financial strain that I may not be able to do anything at all. For materialists this is a nightmare; I will most definitely be looked down upon. My love for them is strictly voluntary; it seems it is never enough for them anyway. My parents understand; my parents I can count on. My parents have struggled financially for many years. I have learned to appreciate the things they have given me during the holiday season, and this year especially, I hope with all my heart I can do something in return.

As you may know I'm a retail employee. People's shopping habits and attitudes are hideous during the holiday season. Not to mention, Christmas music usually starts up throughout the store by December 1st. It's always such a heartache for me. Especially this year.

I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

That line tears me apart and Thanksgiving hasn't even come.
I would give anything to spend this Christmas with my someday-husband.
And my someday-inlaws.

I lived with them in Southwestern Ohio for almost nine months.
I was looking forward with every shred of me, just to spend this Christmas with him.
It would have been our first Christmas, together at last.
I'm tearing up as I write this; nobody could ever understand the pain I endure every single day.

His parents evicted me in late August.
My dreams for the moment are shattered. My hopes of a white Christmas are completely gone.
I just hope that when they unwrap the Christmas ornaments I so lovingly cleared from the tree (I arrived shortly after Christmas and volunteered to take down the Christmas tree) they see the love that is wrapped in every placement; my tenderness is endless and they threw me away.

It's like that song, by Elvis.

Return to sender.

It's just like that, you know. I had such wonderfully good intentions.

Another song reference ahead, this time it's the Animals.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh, Lord. Please don't let me be misunderstood.

They took away every dream I had.
How do you pick up the pieces? Tell me, someone, I'm begging to know.
I have voiced my heartache to my someday mother in law. She doesn't care, and never will.

This will be the hardest Christmas of the year. If I kill myself, or just completely check out from reality, it's nothing personal. I just can't take the pain anymore.